Crazy Eights
by Foxwolf
Summary: Buffy/Firefly crossover. What would happen if Drusilla and River Tam got into a card game. Starring Clem. Amusing short standalone story.


Crazy Eights

The eyes of River Tam peered apprehensively over a hand of cards at the pale figure across from her. She placed down three sevens with hearts on top. She gave a small smile.

"Why doesn't the pretty daisy come down from the wall? I know she yearns to burn like chariots across the sky," Drusilla wondered in a silky voice to River, her head tilted to the side.

"Poker face. Nothing passes through." River responded.

Drusilla flinched as if hurt and then turned her attention to the ceiling.

"The weeping stars whisper their secrets in mine ear. Such a sorrowful song. They tell me that I am without a heart, a sinful creature. No heart for grandmummy, not even by drawing a card, mmm..."

"Using precognitive abilities is strictly against the rules in the game of Crazy Eights! You're cheating!" River exclaimed. Drusilla pouted her lip and covered her face with her hands looking malevolently saccharine.

"Daddy's says if I pick at the scabs I shan't get a lolli. Nasty, wicked child. Fetch me the coat-hanger!"

She plucked a card from the shrinking pile, glanced at it with dissatisfaction, and gave River a small hiss of spite. River played a Jack of hearts, and then a pair of twos, heart and spade.

"Last card," River said, leering defiantly.

"Not very proper for Bad Dolly to make grandmummy pick up all the spilled sunflower seeds. I pray I draw the wicked Queen of Spades, then off to the River Styx for the Bad Dolly."

Dru picked up 4 cards, and erupted with triumph.

"By Lucifer! It is she who rides upon the most wretched nightfall, she who comes to grant my bid! She who rises from below to--"

"Wait a second..." River said.

"Dru..." River said, exasperated.

"You're not playing with a full deck!"

There was a pregnant moment's pause. The look on Drusilla's face was shocked and appalled.

"Why... _you're _not playing with a full deck Bad Dolly!"

"There's 3 cards left in the pile, but we've used 42 cards. so there should be 5 cards on the pile, making your chance of drawing the Queen of Spades 16.6. But you've just drawn the last card in the pile. Therefore, there wasn't a full deck to start with, and this entire game doesn't count!"

"Bad, bad, wicked Dolly, doesn't want to play... I ought to have a portion to myself, but naughty lab-coats pumped her with funny-farm vitamins and cut up her brain like a cheesecake. Bad blood! Nasty blood!"

"I don't want to play with you anymore, I want to go see my brother. If you don't let me see him I'll kill you with my brain. I used to be a weapon you know."

"It was my party and now you've gone spoiling it! MMMmmmMMMmmmMMMmmmMMM!" Dru wailed.

"Now now girls, don't tell me you started the party without me," remarked Clem as he entered the crypt.

"We have a shoddy deck of cards, Mr. Floppy Ears. Did you bring me some siamese to coddle?"

"You won't _believe _what the guys down at the demon bar were betting with in poker. Look, they even gave me one as an advance so that I keep it on the down-lo, apparently most people still think it was a web-wide hoax, but I know a guy who knows a certain warlock in Brazil-- sheesh, sorry to keep you waiting girls, I just keep yappin' don't I. Well, check out the merchandise!"

Clem put the basket on the table, and River and Dru leaned in to take a closer look. In the basket was the most peculiar thing: A glass bottle shaped like a vase, and inside, a very cramped looking siamese kitten.

"There's a Proprius Enchantment on the little fella. He can stay kickin' in there -- figuratively, of course-- like that for over a year. I guess some guys keep em' as ornaments. Fetching decor. Either that, or they smash open the bottle and suck his fluids out of his jugular, it's a toss up. Personally, I can't even eat em'. At least regular siamese have the freedom to put up a fight if they want, makes the whole thing seem more honorable that way, you know, nature taking it's course, the predator versus the prey, but this... is just plain unnatural. Poor little guy... Suppose he wants to scratch his nose?"

"Whoa..." Drusilla marveled at the freakish spectacle. "It's like a genie in a lamp... except instead of the genie part... a wittle kitten." She began to roll the vase across the table, a child's grin on her cold face. The kitten inside rolled tragically in circles completely at mercy.

"What if he vomits?" Clem asked in a worried tone. River with lips parted stared closely at the outlandish specimen.

"Walls on all sides, closing in. Paralyzed. Glass prison, sucking his soul away. He doesn't know what he is, and he can't remember how to cry for help..." She covered her face with her hands, her wide eyes visible through her open fingers, her mouth twisted in a mixture of horror and awe. "Blank. There's nothing inside. Why are there no thoughts pulsing? I can't feel anything inside the shell... No.. It's too much. Why is it blank? Make it stop, ahhhhHHHHH!!" She collapsed in a heap with her hair over her face, whimpering frantically.

"Okay, one vote for letting him back out into the wild. Seconded." Clem said, raising a flabby hand. "I'm not much of a gourmet person anyway. 2 out of 3, the courts have spoken. Let's go kiddies, off to free Mr. Whiskers! We can pick up some Bugles on the way."

Drusilla crossed her arms and pouted. "Just a sample?"


End file.
